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Kin [userpic]

Not a story, but...

October 13th, 2008 (09:16 pm)

Explanation: I've been considering/meaning to make my journal private or mostly-private for a while, and now there's a chance someone new might could read it, so I got off my bum and took the twenty minutes to do so. I left odd choices out of the hundreds of entries. I don't know. I think they get Me across. Although...the composition class stuff is so old, only half-true now...but anyway. Apologies to my stalkers. (You know who you are!)

Kin [userpic]

(no subject)

September 25th, 2008 (08:17 pm)

beautiful starlight, embracing channel
take my eggs and fears both
entrap them in soils
where ant-lions are restless.

Kin [userpic]

(no subject)

September 26th, 2005 (03:28 pm)
current song: NIN

In Composition, we made a list of 100 anythings about ourselves.

1 hazel eyes - turn green when irritated
2 in love
3 like to read
4 miss my cat
5 kinda skinny
6 aspiring photographer
7 aspiring Taoist
8 gonna move to Hawai'i
9 wearing a white leaf
10 fav. colours are green & white
11 afraid of cancer! FIGHT CANCER!!
12 gonna see me love to-day
13 roommate of Ariel Dingus
14 had chai for breakfast
15 I am hungry!
16 love to read
17 want to learn to play the quina (Andean flute)
18 and lute
19 and harmonica
20 and to sing
21 currently attempting to read an old library book on singing
22 fascinated by the thought that I'm the first one to check that out in 10 years
23 want 2 savannah cats (new legal breed the size of collies)
24 love analog clocks
25 adore little machines like watches and music boxes
26 want to be a modern-day minstrel
27 adore the Renaissance
28 Joan d'Arc is my idol!
29 or maybe Daenerys from the BEST FANTASY BOOKS EVER!
30 learning Japanese
31 dying for more time to develop myself
32 have over 20 books i need/want to read
33 don't believe in marriage
34 went to the Virgin Islands once
35 have multicolored hair
36 love the smell of old books
37 & magnolias
38 & hazelnut extract
39 gonna hike the Appalachian trail

Now she stopped us and read some aloud and explained that we should be specific and focus on our life.

40 i love Winter
41 i believe seasons should be capitalized
42 my older brother is afraid of the dark
43 i used to have a friend who pretended she had multiple personalities
44 i went to Otakon last month
45 my grandmother lives in a brick house in the country
46 i went to Japan 11th grade Summer
47 i'm trying to learn to bellydance
48 i hate my mother
49 my brother raised me more than my parents did
50 i've moved 4 times
51 i used to have a tabby kitty named Alice after the books
52 i love the Oz books
53 & Hans Christien-Anderson
54 one of my best friends lives in Canada
55 another, in CA
56 woodsmoke is a wonderful scent
57 my best friend is a Wiccan
58 i think Wicca is bunk
59 i saw a boy riding his bike in the mountains, looking mad--his mouth was taped shut
60 i'm trying to forge a better form of government
61 the problem with all governments is: they assume the people are stupid (even ours)
62 i make 75% more friends when I smile at everyone
63 my favorite film is Unleashed
64 i'm in choir & an alto
65 i write songs randomly
66 i call the moon Luna
67 my dentist looks like Mario
68 i was blissful when i first saw the VIC library
69 i wish there were still huge forests with wolves and panthers
70 i'm highly attracted to the unique and strange
71 i want to learn to tightrope-walk
72 i love the ocean
73 i'm deathly afraid of the deep ocean
74 i think that whales are the wisest and most wondrous creatures on Earth
75 i like to fish
76 i don't fish because i think it's cruel
77 i loved smoking when i tried it
78 i don't smoke because i'm not a fool
79 i'm mildly claustrophobic
80 i'm already pulling the wool over Mrs. Creasey's eyes (she noted this about something i said)
81 i like push pops
82 peaches are my favorite food
83 i'm trying to be vegan, then raw
84 i want some herb & etc. pots on my windowsill
85 i don't truck with drugs
86 i love Ireland
87 my favorite musician is Nick Drake
88 i used to be shy & antisocial
89 my dad's an electrician
90 i don't like the word boyfriend cuz it devalues Love at its most beautiful
91 i hate it when people use "there's" with a plural
92 my brother was once a Satanist
93 i have a half-sister named Dana
94 my stepmom's naming her second daughter after my suggestion: Jillian
95 intelligent guys nearly always fall in love with me
96 it makes me sad
97 my dad's an Aikido sensei & is taking kendo
98 i love old houses

Somewhere along the line, I missed two...

Anyways, a lot of this gets down to the core of me, right? Animal-loving. All of that jazz. I think I've done a pretty good job over the past year or so making people associate peaches with me.
"And if you look at your reflection, is that all you want to be?"
No.
And I'm not a cliche, and I am starting to be irked by my tendancy to repeat and imply and strengthen certain of my traits.

I think it's time for a healthy reversion: no more telling people all about me. I want to the back-when, where I knew exactly what anyone's feelings were by looking at their face.
This comes from a lack of focus on the self.

...I considered this more like a story or poem but now it's kinda an entry. O well.

Kin [userpic]

the story girl.

September 15th, 2005 (09:52 am)

My first thought on what to name this journal was, "thestorygirl." To my disappointment, somebody already had this. I looked her up and now, you know, she's the person on my Friends List.
I want to pick out some of the things that especially pleased me in her journal so that you may know how lovely she is:


This time a hundred years ago I'll be churning butter and humming an old-fashioned tune.
*
There, shining and sparkling just for me, were the Seven Sisters.

My favorite stars.

The little ones.

My friends.
*
I made a gingerbread house today.
*
I had a wonderful Christmas, complete with family and flaming Christmas pudding.
*
...a hawk perched like a sentinel in a barren tree...
*
I AM RISKING MY LIFE FOR MY ART.
*
And I know things now
*
A gentleman held the door for me, and I felt beautiful. Being treated like a lady always inspires me.
*
I have been dreaming of truffles for a week.
*
Thursday had been executed.
*
I am so afraid to die. I have so much to do. All of a sudden it strikes me that if I were gone this livejournal would remain here, a testament to my giddy addiction to trivialities.

I'm feeling panicky or something. I don't want to go out. What brought this on?

Think of something beautiful. Right. Imagination's pure delights.

What if people I don't like came to my funeral??

I can't die. Right?
*
If anyone today has a life that resembles a Norman Rockwell painting, I do.
*
...springtime and lilacs and the little sparrows that remind me of Heaven, and the beauty and miracle of language...
*
Something exciting is bound to happen when I have robins at my window.
*
The sunshine sprinkled freckles on my nose
*
There's so much to write that I can't think of anything else to write. thestorygirl's saying this is notable only because I seem to recall saying the exact same words.
*
despite war and hate and every kind of wickedness, there is still Beauty in every single day.

I am one of the lucky ones.
*
The Man in the Moon won't even talk to me tonight.
*
I can't wait for the first woodsmoke wind.

How can anyone care for any other season? God clearly bestowed his choicest gifts on Autumn. The light is most golden, the weather most fine, the harvest most plentiful, and the colours most beautiful.
*
Death has lost its sting, and the grave does NOT have the victory!
*
[Birdsong] sounds an echo in my soul; How can I keep from singing?

Kin [userpic]

Amberdine and Amberdine and Amberdine and the Crow

September 13th, 2005 (07:26 pm)

Amberdine lifted her leg slowly and extended it down to the floor, then lifted it again, counting the one, two, three et cetera.

"You're not as stupid as them," her brother scowled.

"I was never as smart as them. Have you ever seen a clock?"

"Dear god, what are you talking about?" He massaged his temples accordingly. Amberdine could be a royal fucking pain.

"A clock," she exclaimed, bringing the left up now. "A clock so...fine and well-dignified, little wheels in perfect alignment?"

"Analog anyways."

"Can't stand for digital clocks, Jim, but it's the same as it all is anyways.
"So you take a clock in a high tower, that reverberates over the land--"

"'Reverberates over the land,' Amber?? What are you jabbering about this time."

"And you know that everyone's hearing it. It's all the result of...perfectly timed...perfectly coordinated...perfectly calculated motion."

"You're nuts. And who cares? What are you trying to do by catering to those bastards? They're greedy--"

"Ticking and tocking, smooth and motion--WHEELS, Jim! The wheel! Every effort from fire flows into a clock. It's all of it!"

"A fucking advanced sundial."

"Everything advances," said Amberdine, her face upside down as she leaned far, far back, hands on her hips, and stretched for a count of ten. "You know what I want to be? I want to be a watchsmith..."

"You could do it. It takes smarts. You've got smarts. You're better than any of them!"

"This is where I am, love."

He paused.
"Alright, back to the sundial business. Advances...so what? Clocks and gears and technology...what are you getting at?"

"Show in ten, Jim."

"They just watch you for the ass of it. You know that, don't you?" His face was red. "JESUS fucking CHRIST, you're the smartest woman in the world and you're a fuckin'---a fuckin' STRIPPER!" He slammed his hand onto the table, making the makeup jump.

"I'm not a stripper. I'm a performer. I don't remove the stuff."

"You may as well! Skintight--whatever the FUCK, Amberdine, tell me what you want me to do, when you're here!"

"I guess you could be a doctor."

"I'm too old to go to school."

"Never too old to learn. You know what I saw the other day?"

"Your future, dwindling to Hell?"

"A drop of water. And guess what was in it."

"I hate you."

"Everything in the world. And it all twinkled and fell and evaporated. The world gusted into the sun. I was left there, my toe pointed, ballerina grace..."

"You see everything in a fucking silver spectrum. You think you know it all...but look outside!" He motioned to the window. There was a dead stump there, and after the brown yard, a dingy street with dim passing cars.
She had a pin in her mouth, and pulled it out to press up a wisp of hair.
"I bet you didn't see the bird on the windowsill, did you."
"The what?"
"The bird."
Jim looked again. Sure enough, a silly crow was perched there.
"A scavenger bird. What's your point. NO, let me guess." He held his palm to her in halting sarcasm. "You want to tell me that it's all okay, because it can fly, and it can leave here any ol' time. Right?"
"I-"
"OR maybe you want to say that it's in a drop of water, is THAT it? I bet you have something very fucking brilliant to say all over again, Amberdine! I bet you've got LOADS of wonderful things to say about life. But you know what? Not all of us have wings, girl! Not all of us can just hop onto a windowsill and flutter away. And you...you've got all of the freedom in the..." Choking back a sob, Jim continued, leaning one arm on the table for support. "in the world.
"And I've got nothing but you."

Amberdine smiled gently, and stepped gracefully to his side, smoothing back his hair. His unshaven face was rough against her soft flesh.
"You're so silly, Jim," she sighed. "My mother only raised one fool, and it wasn't me."

He looked up at her, red-rimmed eyes with wet dark lashes. "What now."

She lifted a chain around her neck, pulling out an old key. She stepped forward and opened the top drawer.
"Here," she said, and handed him a roll of bills. There were hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds. The drawer brimmed. "All for you.
"Wings, Jim."

He stared at the bills in shock. "Where...?"

"Go fly free, Jim! Go fly."

"I don't want the bills, Amberdine. I don't even know what I want. I want good things for you, understand? I want you to do WELL. I don't know where you got this money...but I'm not taking it. YOU use it. Leave here. Listen, we'll go together! And you find a nice love and get a proper house, and be a real genius 'tween havin' kids and..."

"I bet you didn't even see the bird on the windowsill." She turned her back to look at the crow.
"I told you I've seen it now." He laid his head on his arms.

"It has wings, just like you. Just like me.
"I wonder why it stays here, when it can use them..."

"You tell me, Amberdine."

"Because it's a fool, Jim.
"Because it's just a bird.
"Because it can't tell time!
"But I can.
"And every second that passes, I see all the joy and beauty in the world, and I feel the death. And I know the death. And it's good, isn't it? All of it. Even that rusted car on the side of the block. You know what I want to do? I want to clean it off, and melt it down, and make something new and pretty out of it.
"Instead I'm gonna go to the show, and dance, and win colored paper, for this foolish little life I'm living."

"...come. With. Me."

"Later to you, Jim!"

The door slammed.

Jim sat still for a moment, then fell forward again, sobbing into his arms, leaving wet spots all across his sleeves.
"A BIRD!" he howled at last. "A FUCKING--FUCKING BIRD!!"

He grabbed the doorstop--a rock--and hurled it at the crow with all of his anguish.
The second it struck the bird he saw it all.
He rushed to the window and looked down, where the feathers were matted with blood.

He carried as much of the money as he could in a briefcase he found stuffed in the closet.
On the way out, he passed a leaking faucet.
He stopped to watch the drop fall...

it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

**

Amberdine stepped back into the room.
Jim was gone. Thank goodness.
She closed the drawer and locked it again.
The window was broken.
"You and me, crow," she said, smiling sadly.

"You and me."

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